No regard for me,
Who I am or what I've been
through, the last years, the past hurts
the emptiness I've felt where you coulda been
We coulda been tightttttt
We used to be tight.
I remember the nights I spent in your room cause I wanted to know that you were beside me
Laughs, memories, I used to feel like the only one you loved.
Your love for me was different.
Mama used to always say that we connected
How much more could I have shown you?
I mean I tried to follow you wherever you went.
I tried to speak like you, act like you, move like you
I wanted to be perfect for you
cause I love you
Was I wrong?
Did I do something wrong?
One telling off and I feel like my world stops. It's hard to breathe. My hands vibrate and fear grips my heart cause the person I love so dearly, I have offended unintentionally.
'Father, I am sorry' I say as the tears roll down coherently, uncontrolled shivers
I immortalized you. Placed you up as the one to please. Your happiness was my meaning to life.
These years I have learnt to live, without you, striving without you.
As the first child, I am forced into maturity,
to take up responsibility
as the head of the family
and though it feels good, some days I wish for you, hoped you were there but you never showed.
How do I begin to understand that maybe you never will?
And though it feels like there is a slim chance you might still care
I'd hold unto that, even until my last breath.
My father, whom I love, might still love me too
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